cut-off

***after receiving thoughtful and helpful feedback:
 
careless me.
 
these cycles
go on and on and 
do not pass Go
these gentle genes that bind us
tear me a-
part
my heart
hurting.
my ring
 
 
his-and-my genes
they matter most
future hopes, dreams 
desires.  Need some
 
 
clarity.
(careless me…)
 
 
***after receiving thoughtful and helpful feedback: at dVerse Poetry Pub Meeting the Bar: Critique and Craft – Approach notes.  stressing the diverse and allowing for feel and improve are Claudia and Brian ~
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About Debbie Shahar

My thoughts, fears, feelings... intertwine. They change. I do not sometimes. They too sometimes stay the same. The song in me wants to fly free. The bird has it. I need it. I cannot Let me be. "Nobody heard him, the dead man, But still he lay moaning: I was much further out than you thought And not waving but drowning." (1-4, Stevie Smith, from: Not Waving but Drowning") background image of Gravatar: photographer AB Troen, my youngest brother.

Posted on September 15, 2011, in awareness, disillusionment, dissapointment, fear, identity, poem and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 27 Comments.

  1. I was waiting for the ‘do not collect 200’ after ‘do not pass go’! But seriously, great poetry here and fine use of that phrase. deeply meant in this context

  2. Hi Debbie,

    I think my favorite lines here are:

    “my heart
    hurting,
    my ring.”

    These are fragments, but one can follow the flow and the disconsolate kind of break in the midst (a bit like a sob) and very heartfelt.

    I also like Do not pass Go, which works so well after the going on and on.

    What I would be careful of is your use of punctuation. To some degree this is a real guide to your feelings and how you would like things to be read aloud, with special emphasis on the “ands!” or Much!. But I think you want to be careful not to overdo the punctuation. It feels a bit as if you are uncertain about relying on the words and so you punctuate to give them extra force. I think you can trust your words more. You don’t want the the punctuation to be a crutch. You also do not want such a serious poem to get cutesy.

    I think the punctuation works very well with the future/hopes, dreams/desires, and the Clarity, but I would really go through tit carefully in the entire poem, so that it can remain a strong tool and not be overused or detract from the depth of your feeling.

    Thanks for the opportunity of reading and commenting.

    • Hey K,

      You really write well (in your blog…) and you know how to critique so well!

      You wrote:
      “To some degree this is a real guide to your feelings and how you would like things to be read aloud…” –
      just what I need… so to the point, and something I keep dealing with over and over again in my writes.

      “I think you can trust your words more. You don’t want the the punctuation to be a crutch. You also do not want such a serious poem to get cutesy.” —- also, perfectly stated. I’ve got much work to do here, but your critique is something I can use to look back on other things I’ve worked on and I will keep them in mind (I hope) in the future.

      Thanks again… back to work 🙂

      ~deb

  3. Dawn–I didn’t press the notify me of comments, so I’m pressing that with this comment. K. (Manicddaily)

    • Debbie, I called you Dawn here! So sorry. I think it’s because I like the name Dawnslight so much as I keep reading it as dawn slight, or slight dawn rather than dawn’s light, and I like dawn’s light very much, but the dawn slight seems much more fraught to me and to have a lot of interesting ambiguity. Maybe that, besides my increasing mental muddle, is why I got confused. Anyway, thanks for your thoughtful comment on my poem and thoughtful reply here.

      • I like Dawn Slight!!! Deb(orah) is my given name, and I chose Dawn when I was 19 (well, actually wanted it since I was 11). Somehow I feel they are both parts of me. But, I really like Dawn Slight. It actually makes sense to me… me being messed up me… lol
        Dawnslight is meant as dawn’s light…
        and – the moment before dawn is the darkest — that is my hope. to keep finding that sliver of light that is real and true to me, from me, and follow it out of the dark (which is what connects me to “pretending”).

        Ok. too much babble here from me.
        Thanks for your comment.
        ~

  4. you make the hurting so visual here.

    lovely word flow…

  5. this has a very smooth and unravelling quality – which feels hypnotic and very effective – the presentation works well with the content and really delivers a fine experience of a poem

  6. i do feel a little cut off in this:) which is a cool and makes this piece effective. i happen to think blaming one’s self for being careless is a good way to feel cut off:) i thought the ending was great.

  7. Hi, Debbie.
    I’m not very strong on critique, so I hope you’ll pardon me if I mis-step.

    I love the phrase “these gentle genes that bind us”. I like the sound patterns through the whole poem. Some sweet near-rhymes, and just enough alliteration to tie things together without tongue-twisting.
    Especially like the final couplet with that parenthetical repetition of the first line.

    Can’t speak to the meaning because I lack the key to the riddle. The sense is probably right in front of me, but I just don’t get what the speaker’s references are. sorry.

    Couple of small things.
    You might want to try it without the exclamation points. Especially with Most! Not sure why you capitalize that, either. I think this poem can work with no caps, but the mix is a litle distracting. Being consistent is probably a good bet.
    All that white space around “Do not pass Go.” gives it huge weight. In Monopoly, “Go” is part of the cycle; it might be better tied to that first stanza concept than trying to stand on its own. If you want to give that much emphasis to something, make it your best words (like the gentle genes phrase).

    I do like the sound of this. Maybe if you fleshed it out a bit more I’d get more of the music and some additional context as well.

    b.

    • Hi there, b. 🙂

      I’m glad you notice the sound patterns… it means a lot to me. something I do try to work on. And your remarks about the spaces and punctuation, capitalization —- all things I keep changing, back and forth, rephrasing… you are right (as were others before you) that I need to pay more attention and “flesh it out” (like that phrase).

      Thanks for wanting to hear the music!

      You do give good critique!!!

      🙂 deb

  8. i really like the style dawn, leaving impressions for us…and even a bit of playfulness in the monopoly reference which works on a couple levels…

    great to see some solid crit thoughts from you neighbors and yours as well on theirs too…thank you…good stuff…

    • hey brian, thank you for stopping by (your work is cut out for you, isn’t it!)
      It is really exciting to get solid critique. something I am longing for and it’s good for me to get it from people who do not know me, just read me. You and Claudia have a good thing going on, and I’m really learning a lot from dVerse, the poets who come there, even if I just read sometimes and leave a “like” because I feel I have nothing new to say.
      See you around 🙂 [are you still pouring drinks?]

  9. Hi Debby,

    I was just doing some imagining with the poem–I saw the second and third verses reversed. I also wondered if the impact would be compounded if it was all one long stanza, without space between the thoughts for the reader to catch breath… Please take these structural ideas with a very small grain of salt…

    I like the way your words go directly to an emotional level, without any contrivance. So natural. I have to think it’s not easy to do that with such a moody piece.

    If you did nothing more, you’d have a very compelling work.

  10. So sorry about the misspelling of ‘Debbie!!!!”

  11. Hi Steve,

    Thank you for taking time to read, imagine and write down your thoughts and suggestions.
    I cannot change between the second and third stanza… the “he” is not the same one. there is a difference between the bond, the type of relationship and the fourth stanza has to do with the third.

    I do like the idea of joining the parts into “one long stanza, without space between the thoughts for the reader to catch breath… ” maybe leaving the couplet as is. I think I’ll try that now and see how it reads to me later on too. I like the idea of not having time to catch breath…

    Thank you for your ideas, for you feedback – I am always happy to receive them, try things out if they feel right, read right, mean right… and I think you gave very constructive critic here 😉

    Also, don’t worry about debbY. (my youngest brother calls me dibza – so I’m used to different changes with my name).

    See you around,
    deb

  12. strong piece deb – it reads very rhythmical and almost like song lyrics – i much like the ending and the whole message you convey….sorry for being so late…was on a business trip and glad to be back home now…

  13. just re-read and really like how you re-wrote the piece

  14. Nice work on the revision. The “go” line really works.

    b_

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