Chosen Elegance

Lovely;  every space is chosen,

Pieces from all over –

Statues from the Philippines

Luxurious  soft fabric’s summoning.

*

Here’s an elegant array of

China dolls and crystal clay.

A hint of saffron and cardamom,

oohs… ahhs… reflect it All.

*

Windows wide, sparkle, sing,

Light floods cold on flawless things.

Jewels that breathe histrionic smiles

Assembled perfectly in matching style.

*

Silently a crumb is let go,

Oblivious to all that is gold.

Words unspoken in disguise

Enveloping whispers running wild.

*

Orchestrated by the best

This monument of family’s crest;

This pinnacle of her desires

Will not flex in storms or fire.

*

No, it cannot, nor will not stay

This masquerade of costly decay.

Although we see through luscious lies,

we play along, avoiding eyes.

*

But, alas, this cannot last

Crumbs will slide, jewels will sass.

Mindful undertones, ruthless turmoil,

Dark the light, fear the spoiled.

***

Author’s Note:  This write is for Meeting at the Bar: Critique & Craft at the dVerse ~ Poets Pub, hosted by poet Julie Watkins (Carys) 

Now posted is a revised version of the poem — very helpful pointers and suggestions from Avril Yospa, Gay Cannon, Victoria Ceretto-SlottoClaudia Schoenfeld and all the other wonderful writers below. Thank you!

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Posted on August 19, 2011, in awareness, disillusionment, emptiness, poem and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 17 Comments.

  1. Hi Buttercoon..(can’t find your name). Enjoyed this journey into material possessions and how they can take over…I’ve pasted it here with just a few comments, critiquing in a postive way.
    I love the scene you’ve created, it’s very accessible to the reader and you’ve added the effects of mess on the owner, a nice touch.

    Lovely; every space is chosen,

    Pieces from all over –

    Statues from the Philippines

    Luxurious soft fabric’s summoning. (lovely)

    *

    Here’s an elegant array of

    China dolls and crystal clay.

    A hint of saffron and cardamom,

    and oohs and ahhs reflect it All. (Better if ‘and’ is left out)

    *

    Windows wide, sparkle, sing,

    Light floods cold on flawless things.

    Jewels that breathe histrionic smiles

    Assemble perfectly in matching style. (Assembled)

    *

    Silently a crumb’s let go, (crumb is)

    Oblivious to all that’s gold.

    Words unspoken in disguise

    Envelop whispers running wild. (Enveloping)

    *

    Orchestrated by the best

    This monument of family’s crest;

    This pinnacle of her desires

    Will not flex in storms of fire. (storms or fire)

    *

    No, it cannot nor will not flinch (cannot,)

    This masquerade of costly stench. (is stench right word?)

    Although we see through luscious lies,

    we play along, avoiding eyes.

    *

    But, alas, this cannot last

    Crumbs will slide, jewels will sass.

    Mindful undertones, ruthless turmoil,

    Will dark the light and hear the spoiled. (leave out ‘will’, could change ‘hear’ to fear, would make more sense.
    Rate this:

    • Debbie Dawnslight

      Avril hi,
      Nice to meet you. I’m Deb. I didn’t notice that my name isn’t shown – except in the “About” page or Gravatar… 🙂

      Your critique is great! I try to leave out connectors…
      I especially love how you helped me ending – I wasn’t at peace with it, but couldn’t figure out what to do…
      Your suggestion “fear” instead of “hear” is perfect! Does make more sense, and even clarified it for me.

      Stench… not sure what to do. I meant that there is the stench is hidden… but I suppose it doesn’t come out or make sense. I have to think about how to replace it…

      Thank you again for your wonderful suggestions. 🙂

  2. I really like how you put so much detail and heart and effort into this poem, it reflects in your writing. GREAT JOB 🙂

  3. hey deb – i like the poem a lot and i like avril’s suggestion. did you chose the red color for “stench” to highlight it and make the message stronger? i don’t think it needs a visible highlight as the word itself is strong enough. off-topic: just read your comment at dVerse with the missiles and everything and hope everything is going well.. wishing you a lovely evening

    • Debbie Dawnslight

      Hi Claudia,
      I put stench in red to remember I need to change it and hopefully get suggestions (which Gay gave) 🙂
      Woke up this morning to another siren. I think things are OK, but they’ll be going down hill from here.
      It hurts me how much anger turned to hate there is and it sometimes feels like a hopeless situation… Is it too late to reach a solution and have some form of Peace? I know that it’s complicated, I understand my fellow Israeli’s who say that before acknowledging their state, they need to acknowledge ours… but, how much longer… 🙂 I know you didn’t want too much information… this is what’s going on in my head… among the regular messed up things 🙂
      I hope you have a great weekend xoxo

  4. Well conceived poem showing what collecting things without meaning can do in terms of reducing the soul with implications it may overwhelm it.

    It felt very old money, and though there is a sense of ruin, I don’t think I would use stench either. Maybe replace flinch with “stay” and replace “stench” with “decay”? Of course that is only a suggestion and may not in fact be exactly what you mean.

    Overall a very lush imagist poem with a great deal of texture. Thank you.

    • Debbie Dawnslight

      Hi,
      Thank you for your suggestions – “decay” is the meaning and good word…
      No, it cannot, nor will not flinch
      This masquerade of costly stench.
      Although we see through luscious lies,
      we play along, avoiding eyes.
      Original – now to be changed….
      Thanks Gay

  5. You’ve received some good critique on an already well-penned poem. To me, the emphasis on “stench” drew me out of the poem and confused a bit.

  6. nice rewrite… I like the message along with the vivid scenes of material wealth and waste..

    thanks for sharing this ~

  7. Hi Y’All,

    I put “stench” in red – so I could remember (and whom ever visits) that it is a problematic word… I will try Gay’s suggestion, since “decay” is the meaning of it…
    Here’s the original soon to change…

    No, it cannot, nor will not flinch

    This masquerade of costly stench.

    Although we see through luscious lies,

    we play along, avoiding eyes.

    Original – now to be changed…. 🙂

    Thank you all!

  8. Don’t you love the community being created at d’Verse? Your poem was evocative and powerful to start. The suggestions from others have made it stronger. Nice give and take here.

  9. Hi, Deb. I’m not really qualified to critique here, rhyme and I don’t play well together, but one or two small things…

    I wonder at the word “sass”. It’s overtones are a little lively for the sense of decay you are working.

    I probably wouldn’t cap “All”

    • ps. from another barefoot: finish quitting the cigs. (when I had to have one, I pulled out a cigarette length of red plastic straw & stuck it in my mouth. Gave something for the hands to do, the the absurdity cut into the pleasure reinforcement. Absurdity is a pretty good antidote for lots of things)

      • Debbie Dawnslight

        Hi 😉
        I really like the plastic straw idea… I should try that.

        The word sass… decay…
        It’s not only about materialistic, as people understood, it’s about someone making everything seem perfect, leaving no room for life to just happen, or crumbs to fall… the jewels that breathe are her children… yet, there is decay, and although it happens slowly and even though most don’t notice it beyond the perfect house and home, it’s there…
        This write didn’t come out as I wanted it to, I think I was thinking to hard about the crit class… 🙂

        I appreciate your comments. Thank you.
        deb

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