Going Crazy

Flying Flower
My mind is closed. 
I do not wish to 
take the blame 
but, there is no- 
one else to put it on.
 
Shut. down. 
How does it feel?! 
(rhetorical question).
   
Mine, my
mind. 
responsibility all mine. 
Catch a flying flower
white petals, yellow 
inside green jealousy – all mine. 
The end of a song (but it must go on…)

Author’s Note:   This post is for d’Verse Poet Pubs, Meeting the Bar:  Critique and Craft hosted by Luke Praterredundant phrasing. Originally I wrote this a couple of decades ago, but keep coming back to it. Now, thanks to the poets’ commentary below, I have modified this write. Thank you!


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Posted on August 5, 2011, in Depression, identity, poem and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 12 Comments.

  1. my second visit here..and i really like your style of writing…it’s fresh and smart
    i think that’s a beautiful piece debbie, you capture a state of mind i think most people can relate to.
    for me the first part works perfectly – some suggestions for the second part… that’s just my personal opinion, think about it, wait what the others say and then do what feels right for you..

    my mine
    mind. responsibility
    is all mine. (would cut the “is”)
    Catch a flying flower
    white petals, it’s yellow (would cut the “it’s”)
    inside
    green (jealousy – is all mine). (not sure – let’s wait what the others say but i may would make it “inside green jealousy – all mine”)
    The end of a song (but it must go on…)

    • Debbie Dawnslight

      Hi Claudia,
      Thank you for your comments. Cutting out the “is” and “it’s” – absolutely.
      Your next comment – did you mean that “inside green jealousy – all mine” – make in one sentence?
      Now I’m wondering if the “all mine” is redundant.

      Also, I’m never sure about the last line. The rhyme annoys me and I always feel like it’s not exactly how I mean it. I want to feel the crazy there. It can’t stay defined…. It can’t stop with the poem (song…).

      Do you / anyone else / have suggestions for me?

      Thank you!!!

  2. My mind is closed.

    I do not wish to

    take the blame

    but, there is no-

    one else to put it on.

    Shut. closed. down. (think i would either cut the closed or put it at the end)

    How does it feel?! Ha!

    (rhetorical question).

    my mine (think you need some punctuation, a comma in between, or is it mined? or my mind, mine)

    mind. responsibility

    is all mine. (cut the is)

    Catch a flying flower
    white petals, it’s yellow

    inside

    green (jealousy – is all mine). (i like claudias suggestion here)

    The end of a song (but it must go on…)

  3. Brian and Claudia have offered some wonderful suggestions for how you might strengthen this piece and I don’t have much to add except that I would also cut the word “Ha!” from Line 7 as I think it contridicts the tone of the poem (IMHO).

    a song we all sing at times indeed!

  4. Hi

    Your writing style is bold and strong
    Very direct and hard hitting.

    You convey a great sense of introspective solipsism with claustrophobic results.

    Plaudits

    • Debbie Dawnslight

      Thank you so much for your creative and supportive critique. I made changes according to your suggestions and really appreciate all your help.
      🙂
      Deb

    • Debbie Dawnslight

      Hi,
      Getting such support from you is really meaningful. Thank you Tom Eliot!

  5. I really, really like this and think the crits can only help make it sharper. It’s like an honest smack in the face!

    • Debbie Dawnslight

      Thank you very much for taking the time to read and respond to what the critics wrote. I esp. like that “It’s like an honest smack in the face!” 🙂
      Deb

  6. nice…love the re-modelof the poem…nice, tight and still conveys what the original did…very nice…look forward to your response to the prompt!

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